Dear Human Resources,
Give me a fucking job. Thank you for you consideration.
Sincerely,
Umpity
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Dear Human Resources,
Please consider me for the available position in your office. I believe my experience being “the man,” has prepared me for the competitive atmosphere that helps your company thrive.
Although I do not have any relevant work experience in your field being the man is an asset in dealing with all walks of life. For instance, last Saturday night I had sexual intercourse with this much older but nonetheless extremely attractive business women multiple times because as my associates claim I am the “fucking man.” This ability will serve your company well when dealing, merging, or laboring with a predominantly female business because I am able to get the job done multiple times and will do so late into the night if need be ;)
I would love to set up a time to discuss this position further. As the man, I do know of multiple positions and if you are a lady and would like to discuss these as well please let me know. I have about a hundred thousand or so references, some of whose names evade me at the moment, but they are all available upon request. Thank you for the consideration.
High-Five,
Umpity
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Dear Human Resources,
Please consider me for the position of CEO at your Fortune 500 Company. I heard about the recent opening while reading the front page of my parent’s Wall Street Journal during my late breakfast this past Wednesday afternoon.
I was hung-over. I am 24 living at home and severely under qualified for this position. However, I can grow a beard and own two suits. I am also super desperate. Did I mention I am 24 and living at home? You probably don’t quite understand. You probably have a sweet spread of your own with things like beer, tequila, and condoms in your fridge. I’m not sure why the condoms are in the fridge but maybe that is why you have a job and I don’t. Girls probably come over and see your king size bed and swoon. (Sorry if you bring guys home but in my mind it is a major blonde named Sandy)
Anyway can I come over sometime? We can talk about the job then. I’ll wear a suit if you want. I know CEOs do this and I am prepared to change my style of dress to fit the role. But can you invite the blonde over and have her bring some friends that like guys that sleep in twin beds? I will bring any sort of alcohol you want. Even Zima. Thank you for the consideration.
Please,
Umpity
